Eight months in,
with Sōtō Zen.
Mind – rearranging.
‘self’ – disengaging.
Zen training allows the Heart to be in charge
And the result is my perspective has enlarged.

I smothered ‘Self’ with thoughts and feelings,
Zen practice has been the key to my healing.
Training allows me to rise above my self’s woes.
I find I am emerging from its throes.

Daily, I sit looking at a wall.
In the beginning my mind races; then, not much at all.

At times I’ve been known to blurt:
“I don’t accept that,” or “What you say can’t possibly work.”
Then, I recognize my delusive thinking and propensity to ‘cling.’
Becoming aware, yes, it’s my new ‘thing.’

“Just sit still with it all,” that’s what Rev. Master suggests I do.
So far, everything he’s said, I’ve found to be true.
Sōtō Zen training has helped me; perhaps it’ll benefit you too.

In August of 2023, I attended an orientation at the Zen Buddhist Priory in Columbia, South Carolina. I made my way up the front steps, rang the doorbell, and Reverend Rokuzan welcomed me inside. Rev. Master is an older, bespectacled monk dressed in a brown robe, bedroom slippers and an upbeat smile. I followed him into a high-ceilinged room with a fireplace and chairs. I sat on the couch and he sat in his wooden rocking chair across from me. Three other people also attended the orientation that day.

Rev. Master explained the whats, whys and hows of practicing at the temple. Suddenly, a thought arose in my mind – “Too many rules and rituals.” I’m retired now and the last thing I want is to be constrained by procedures and rituals. After all, I’ve been meditating on my own for the last 30 years. I came to the temple looking for a quiet place to meditate – that’s all.

I had never meditated under the guidance of a Zen Master and after the orientation I realized that I didn’t know anything about the actual practice of Buddhism. This was a rare opportunity to practice under a Master. Still, I spent most of my drive home pondering ‘skillful’ ways to get around all the rituals and rules. Could I negotiate a ‘deal’ with the Rev. Master? “Sir, I don’t want to interrupt what you’re doing with others at the temple, so how about you let me stop by after-hours and I can meditate my way?”

Days later, after reading through the orientation material, I discovered that what I had been calling ‘meditation’ was nothing more than ‘quietism’. Plus, the rituals and rules did have specific purposes. I let go of my opinions and views and chose to become an active participant at the temple. In time I discovered that my disinterest in the rituals and other attempts to do Zen Buddhism my way were examples of attachment to my judgments and opinions. Every verbal interaction I have with Rev. Master Rokuzan exposes some ‘thing’ that I do not want to let go of. Generally, it’s a reflection of myself that I prefer not to see. He has a way of inviting me to become unstuck from my view of the world and look from a larger perspective. What follows are other impactful discoveries from my practice of Sōtō Zen.

The first discovery is that I can go ‘beyond discriminative thought’.  I didn’t know it was possible to see beyond my thoughts and feelings. As a lawyer, I worshipped at the altar of discriminative thinking, erudition, and judging. In fact, I relished the opportunity to introduce ‘the opposites’ into every conversation. (As you might imagine my habit of ‘lawyering’ people instead of listening and learning from them did not endear me and often resulted in a compassionless debate. Most of my friends were always on guard when talking to me; expecting to be cross-examined at any moment.)

Second, I discovered that I live and die by my likes and dislikes. That which I like and dislike has been the criteria my ‘self’ uses to make many decisions. Isn’t this, as Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett said in one of her lectures, akin to choosing to be my own private God with my own practices and rituals?

Before practicing at the temple, I considered myself a master of managing my feelings. That notion, however, proved to be a delusion. I have always worked on overriding my negative feelings and trying not to experience them. Buddhist training is about experiencing, but not indulging feelings. According to the ninth Great Precept I should do my best to live in such a way that I refrain from ‘indulging in any anger that arises’. Initially, that confounded me.  How is it even possible not to indulge anger? Everyone I know, outside the sangha, seems to live their lives either angry or on the verge of becoming angry. I assumed that anger was immanent in all human beings. Over the last several months I have experienced another way. It is possible to experience thoughts and feelings without indulging them.

In our Dharma talks at the temple, the phrase ‘letting go’ comes up often. Well, I did try to let go of anger, but anger didn’t seem to want to let go of me. Whenever the Rev. Master offered advice about a personal challenge that I brought to him, it felt as if I were being asked to concede, succumb, capitulate or relinquish my personal power. So, I asked him, “Why am I the one to always give in? Why can’t the other person ‘let go’ sometime?” Rev. Master responded that letting go is letting go of my habit of clinging and attaching to my opinions, ideas, thoughts, etc. It is not about the other person. Practicing ‘letting go’ in that way has allowed me to open my heart to new perspectives and willingly give up my resistance.

The fifth discovery has been life changing. It is the practice of not believing or acting on everything my brain tells me. Nowadays, when my brain talks to me, I do what I do when I am sitting in formal meditation: Namely, watch my brain produce all its urgent and tempting messages without taking immediate action. Neither indulging nor suppressing what surfaces.  I try to do so while driving the car, golfing, bathing, talking on the cellphone, participating in Zoom meetings, etc. (see the ‘Practice Aid’ below). This practice allows for a ‘third way’ I never had access to.

Over the last eight months of training, I have recognized some of the forces that cause me to act unwisely. For example, I have a need to be ‘better’ than the other person, and a need to be admired. I also recognize that I now do less of the following: 1) using the discriminative mind to scheme to get what I want; 2) giving in to what the self likes and dislikes; and 3) giving my ego total control. Through the Zen Master I’m learning to love and have compassion for this ‘self.’

In meditation, I’m experiencing new levels of peacefulness and joy. During some meditation sessions I feel I have gone “… beyond this human mind” and experienced my wise and compassionate Buddha Nature. These experiences have deepened my commitment to “…advance directly along the road that leads to the Mind…”

I am grateful to Rev. Master Rokuzan and the Columbia Zen Buddhist Priory Sangha as they help me to perceive and to let go of my cravings, clingings, and delusions.

Practice Aid:

Throughout the day I ask myself the following questions:

1. Am I being selfish?
2. After a thought arises, am I thinking and narrating?
3. Am I believing and acting on what my brain is telling me?
4. Am I clinging to the way I want things to be?
5. Am I relying on my habitual way of looking and are there other interpretations?
6. Am I trying to make the world ‘behave’ in the way I want it to?
7. Have I asked my Buddha Nature for help?