Fuden Nessi, Rev. Master

 

If the intention to find the True Refuge in our heart is uppermost for us in life, if this is what really matters for us, we will keep recognizing it, now and in the future. Even if at times we wholly lose sight of it, it will be there again for us.

On many occasions in the past, when life was difficult for me and I was struggling, in the end I would become aware with deep gratitude that the unchanging, unborn Refuge is always here for us, and that we become aware of it time and time again, if only we make the effort to turn towards it.

I would then sometimes wish and pray that beings who find themselves in a state of much deeper suffering than I have ever experienced may recognize it too, for this is bound to call forth in us a deep trust in existence, and in the Goodness that is at the heart of it.

All things in life are transient, the eternal Refuge is not. In time we come to realize that many aspects of our life that we have based ourselves on and perhaps clung to quite strongly, are in fact provisional, and cannot be a lasting refuge for us. Some of these facets of life may indeed be a very precious part of our human existence and help us to fulfill what is asked of us in life. If we treat them as our ultimate refuge and desperately cling to them though, we turn them into something that is likely to create suffering, and not just for ourselves. A clear example of this can be human relationships.

When instead we keep taking refuge in Buddha within our heart, and when this is our foundation for approaching what we are given in life and for fulfilling our responsibilities, we actually value what brings us joy and fulfillment even more. At the same time, we are also more able to bow to whatever life brings us, even if it is something difficult that goes against what we would like. Being able to bow to adversity is a jewel in our spiritual life.

What comes forth in us then, is an unconditional “Yes” towards what is here right now, however it may look. Something in us then knows that all is well, however desolate our current circumstances in life are, and however difficult our inner life may be at the time. I perceive this original “Yes” towards what is here for us now as one of the really important gateways into the Dharma. When it is there, then Buddha can teach us. Life can teach us. Our fellow beings can teach us.

What mostly obscures and covers up the “Yes” that manifests out of the original purity of our heart, is our insistence that life, including our inner life, should be as we wish it to be. And as a result of this, our turning away from and rejecting what is not in accord with how we would like things to be. This often happens in subtle ways that we don’t necessarily recognize easily.

The True Refuge I’ve been referring to can at times manifest like a little light, figuratively speaking, that we become aware of when we turn within, and that shines through what at first seems only like a hindrance. Reverend Master Jiyu told us that we can find this little light of our true nature even in the greatest darkness, when we sincerely look for it. We cannot generate it by our will, but we can reach out to it and ask for its help and guidance.

There are times in our life when we completely lose sight of it – times when our whole inner horizon seems to be filled with confusion and distraught feelings that may be there as a reaction to the difficulties we encounter in life. Even at such times though, we can make the effort to orient ourselves towards Buddha in our heart. The intention to do this is in itself very precious.

Sometimes people who were in a very difficult situation and inner state – for example when what used to bring them deep fulfillment in their life had all of a sudden fallen away and wasn’t there anymore for them – told me that, when they turned their gaze inward in the middle of their distress and really asked for help, very unexpectedly this little light was suddenly there again, together with a fundamental trust in existence.

I myself can remember when in difficult times in my life, I would go to meditation in the evening in a state of deep exhaustion, and at first there would only be fear and helplessness in me because of the desolate inner landscape. Despite this, I would persevere and entrust myself as best as I could to the meditation, even though my inner world continued to be very barren. All of a sudden, and sometimes only towards the end of the meditation period, the little light would be there again and shine through the distress, almost in an incomprehensible way. Each time when this happens, it is a confirmation of what matters most to us in life.

On such occasions, I would sometimes think of the line in The Litany of the Great Compassionate One, where it says “O Great Victor, I hold on, hold on!”, and of how important it is to persevere when we feel lost and helpless, and not to give up or give in to looking down. The more often our heart recognizes what shines through our confusion and feelings of helplessness, the more we become familiar with that which shines through. And although our difficulties may still be there, they become much less threatening.

Coming back to the “Yes” of the heart to whatever is given to us in life right now, when this pure “Yes” is allowed to manifest, it also makes it possible to recognize any shadows that may have formed in our mind at times when we were confused, and to see them for what they are. When we are suffering and our inner life is very desolate, it can happen that something gets in there and tries to convince us that there are specific things about ourselves that make it impossible for us to live up to what is being asked of us in spiritual training and in life. That we are just not good enough.

It’s very important that we look through these shadows, and recognize them for what they really are, delusive images that have formed in our mind. If we keep believing what they portray, we’re likely to go down a road that leads to considerably more suffering. But if this open and unconditional “Yes” has awoken in us, the deceptive nature of these illusive mental constructs can be recognized, and we can offer them up in faith. In the end, to use a slightly adapted quote from the Lotus Sutra, such mental constructs and feelings are like frost that melts when the sun of open-hearted, pure seeing shines on them.

When we recognize that these and other shadows that may have formed in our mind don’t have the reality that we have attributed to them, there can then often also be repentance in us. For example, repentance for all the times in the past when we have believed in these shadows and other deluded views, and for our actions of body, speech and mind that resulted from that. This repentance is something very positive, that just sees with an open heart and regrets any harm that has been done, without any self-accusation. It enables us to look up again, to trust our precious intention to give our best in life, and to move forward.

The “Yes” of the heart towards what is here for us right now, has not just an effect on our own inner life though. It also has a definitive impact on the way we perceive and relate to our fellow human beings. It opens our heart to them and makes us see their suffering in a more empathic way, rather than viewing them critically because of the difficulties they are going through, that may have annoyed us beforehand.

So, something in us recognizes that approaching our own suffering and adversities in life with an open heart is not done just for our own sake, but in the end for other beings as well. Heart-wishes for the well-being of others can arise in a natural way in us then, also for those beings who right now are going through states of great suffering.

Where such wishes of the heart can lead, is expressed in vows that some of the Mahayana scriptures have formulated in a straightforward yet profound way, as for example in The Sutra of Golden Light, where it says (slightly paraphrased here): “For those who are without refuge, support and help, may I become their support, their help and their friend”.

The various aspects of spiritual training that I have tried to address here, are for me very much contained in what Reverend Master Jiyu wrote in her commentary on the five columns in her book How to Grow a Lotus Blossom¹.

What she has taught us in the chapters on the five columns of light goes so much deeper, and is much broader than the few aspects I have tried to outline here. But because the teaching on the five columns has always been so important for my training, I will set what I have written here within the context of Reverend Master’s teaching on the five columns.

Below is a graphic illustration of the five columns. The fifth column, the column that vertically traverses the illustration, contains within itself the other four columns, represented here by four images, or symbols. In my understanding, the fifth column represents all of our spiritual life and its true Source.    The image at the very bottom of the illustration, shows a being who looks up towards a black cloud. A shaft of light shines down through a tiny hole in the cloud. This describes for me our constant effort to look towards the eternal Refuge, to ask for its teaching, and the intention to keep our going for refuge to Buddha within the heart, foremost in our life. In this way, the Light of our true nature can start to shine through the clouds of confusion.

Immediately above this image is a symbol depicting a misty cloud containing the knot of eternity and refers to Sange, or repentance. When we do Sange, we are washed clean of delusion. While the process of repentance goes much further than the aspects that I have mentioned in this article, it can also include the understanding that the shadows that have formed in our mind don’t have the solid reality we have given them, and the offering up of them, as well as any mistakes we may have made in the past as a result of these delusive views. Repentance helps us to recognize that in truth nothing is separate from Eternal Love, depicted here as the Knot of Eternity.

Above this is a drawing of a Buddha, representing our True Refuge, the source of the ultimate help that we receive in life. When we follow its guidance, the causes of our suffering are healed. All the aspects of the Dharma come from this place, including the Buddhist Precepts. It is the place from which the “Yes” of the heart originates. Orienting ourselves towards Buddha within our heart brings us deep trust and acceptance of what is given to us in life.

The last symbol at the very top of the illustration is a fountain. Reverend Master Jiyu has given us a profound description of the spiritual fountain of Love that is inherent in our True Nature. As I’ve tried to outline in this article, the fountain for me also expresses that, when we keep taking refuge in Buddha and aligning our actions with the Dharma, the merit of this will flow out like a fountain in time. This also includes offering the merit of our spiritual effort to all beings. May we become a true friend for them.

Notes

1. P.T.N.H. Jiyu-Kennett, How to Grow a Lotus Blossom, or How a Zen Buddhist Prepares for Death, Plate LX: The Fifth Column – The Buddha Within, page 150. Shasta Abbey Press, 1977.