How do I fully live life until I die? Having retired from being Abbot at a Sōtō Zen monastery, and now living in a small village near Cambridge in the UK, there is the wish to live brightly until I die, but I find at times I am overwhelmed by loneliness and sadness.  The village folk are friendly, and my beloved daughter and grandson live not far away in another village. So why does it feel as if I am not fulfilling my life in what are the last years of my life? Might it be that having a notion, a concept, of how the end of life should unfold is setting up expectations, and I should rather simply accept how life is?  There are times when I wish I were already dead.

These thoughts of dying have been in a sense ‘sitting on my shoulder’, and it is only in the last few days of a recent monks’ sesshin which I attended at Throssel Hole Buddhist Abbey that they have been there in my face. I sit with my death: not fearful, not expecting answers. However, there are questions about how to die in the best way possible considering those who seem to love me.

There is a fear of losing my mental capacities. Yes, as I struggle with all the new things I have to learn as I have to do stuff I have not done for years; such as my own cooking, shopping, cleaning, clothes washing, it is a strain on my reserves of energy.  Also, living in a different part of the country, things like how the GP’s surgery works here, how I get repeat prescriptions, find an NHS dentist etc. etc. weary and dispirit me.  Am I up to it? Perhaps I am too old to have made this change! Then there are financial worries and sleepless nights, wondering if I can really afford to live in this Garden House.

Within all this turmoil, I have found the following book most helpful: Living Is Dying: How to Prepare for Death, Dying and Beyond by Tibetan teacher Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse. In the preface, there is this quote, “Death exists, not as the opposite but as a part of life.”¹

I have to acknowledge, at least to myself, that I hope to die peacefully in my sleep, though I realize that my death may be more challenging than that. Is it wise to share this thought with others? I do not want to make them anxious about their own death!  Everything that happens to us in life and death depends on causes and conditions.  This can be difficult to accept, as we humans do so want to believe that we are in control. Our focus is so often on ourselves, and not so much on engaging with others with compassion and wisdom. I have come to see that these last years of my life would certainly be more fulfilling if I devoted them to discovering how all human beings can go beyond both birth and death, and sharing what I learn with others.

Jakusho Kwong, in Mind Sky: Zen Teaching on Living and Dying, wrote:

Loss is important in Zen
Usually people try to avoid it at all costs.
Surrender the self by working with loss.
Participate in your loss.
No need to invite it; simply acknowledge it.
You must lose or surrender something to be here.
Let go of your ideas about yourself. Then you become vividly present.²

He continues with this quote by Chogyam Trungpa, who said: “We don’t have to worry about death because everyone is successful at it.”

Thus we are encouraged to become brave enough to face all the fears we have buried inside. Instead of doing that, we usually bluff ourselves that we are too busy. So very, very busy we forget to ask, “What is the most important thing? What is the great matter?” When it comes to witnessing death, there is no duality. It is always near. No-one knows how long we will live. We have to wake up and be fully aware.

Given this, the question seems to be: “How best to live as fully and engaged with others as possible, rather than distracting myself by details of daily life which do not perhaps need as much attention as I imagine?”  Is the fear of loneliness taking me to places it is better to avoid? As I think this thought, it helps to just know that I am thinking it. Just watch.

Is it true that each person’s karma is quite different, so each person’s experience of death will be unique? I have to acknowledge, at least to myself, that I keep being nudged to question all Buddhist doctrine. This is scary, as I have nowhere to stand, nothing to rely on, not even others I have admired and trained with. Why was I drawn to Buddhism in the first place? What seems to be needed is go let of ideas about who or what I am, thus allowing me to be vividly present and to face all fears buried inside.

Notes

1. Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse, Living Is Dying: How to Prepare for Death, Dying and Beyond. Shambhala Publications, 2020.
2. Jakusho Kwong-Rōshi, Mind Sky Zen Teaching on Living and Dying. Wisdom Publications, 2022.